As the chilly autumn days turn into frost, the hues of the leaves reflect the setting sun, and day turns quickly into night – I find myself marking the end of a semester I thought was quite literally impossible to finish.
In late August, my father suffered serious injury which left him temporarily paralyzed. What follows an injury of such magnitude is an 18-month healing period that requires family members to adopt a multitude of roles including, but not limited to: caretaker, doctor, nurse, physical therapist, and so on. While I found countless medical publications about spinal cord surgeries, physical therapy exercises, and other means of support for my father, there was almost nothing, not even any reddit threads, that provided any means of advice for a 20-year-old college student.
Over 19 million people are enrolled in post-secondary education in the United States, which leaves me to conjure a non-scientifically backed up hypothesis: I am not the only college student who also serves as a caretaker in their home. If you’re reading my story and see any familiar threads of this role in your life, take this as an opportunity to inspire yourself and to affirm yourself that you can do it, too.
The semester was set to begin four days after my father’s injury, yet I was dedicated to being present and doing everything in my power to aid his healing journey. This ambition seemed quite literally impossible as I’d have to leave Chicago, Illinois and go to school in Cambridge, Massachusetts. I was able to accomplish this goal and visit my father every other weekend from September to December while also being a present college student and being dedicated to my studies. My efforts included a myriad of factors, repeated trials and errors, and in hopes of sparing you the need to navigate the “posted in 200l” reddit threads of advice, I’ve distilled these experiences into a simple guide that offer the basic human advice I was in search of.
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Maha’s Declassified School Survival Guide
1. “Secure your own mask first before assisting others”
I’ve taken over 20 flights this semester and have witnessed every flight attendant preach the same principle: put your own oxygen mask on then assist others, in any case of emergency. This has been my guiding principle in the journey of healing my father. An aspect of living that many caretakers seem to neglect is themselves and their own health. I understood that I’d have to be emotionally, mentally, and physically equipped in order to assist my father and his needs. This can include reaching out to university mental health services, watching an episode of your favorite TV show, writing down your thoughts in a journal, spending a night out in Boston, or even getting a Domino's pizza with your closest friends. You must heal yourself to spread the virtues of healing to your closest loved ones, friends, and most importantly to strangers whose stories you can incompletely grasp.
2. “ANY NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!”
This semester has certainly been anything but a smooth ride and I’ve learned a lot about communicating. Communication allows you to transform your circumstances of suffering, hardship, and struggle into opportunities of overcoming them with encouragement and strength. Harvard is a wonderful place that offers a leave of absence which allows you to take a break from school and focus on healing yourself and handling the situation at hand. That option was one that did not align with my personal plans, so I sought to maximize the other outlets of support I had. This means communicating with professors, your resident dean, faculty members, and those who manage your education on an administrative level. They’re here to provide support, extend grace due to extenuating circumstances, and be a mentor in your healing journey. The quote this section highlights comes from my wonderful anthropology professor that encouraged me to communicate and solidified the necessity to always do so.
3. “Showing humility, being compassionate, and giving grace”
The final point I’d like to touch upon is extending a degree of humanity to not only yourself, but the family member or loved one to whom you’re providing the caretaking . As a student concentrating in social anthropology on the medical track, I’ve always strived to link the soul to the care it receives. Modern medicine seems purely biological to me and at times, there can be neglect in nurturing the mental health of the individual in need of care. The extension of kindness and grace is never an extractive act, but it is abundant in its own nature. My ambitions in becoming a deliverer of healthcare, a future physician, have become strengthened during such a difficult time for me and my family. You can always flip a situation and emphasize its positive aspects. I have become more compassionate from the past few months. I’ve connected and built a stronger relationship with my father than ever before, and more importantly, through these efforts, he is healing beautifully.
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My inspiration in writing this piece is most definitely my father who I lovingly refer to as Abu. I truly could not have written this piece laced with hope, inspiration, and healing without his constant support throughout this journey. He has certainly extended just as much support, care, and love to me as I have to him. Although he is the one healing from his injury, he has always functioned as a caretaker to me and my sisters. He is my caretaker, too.
An analogy I like to make is referring to our situation as a muddy, swamp-like pond. The situation surrounding his injury is admittedly difficult, saddening, and just truly a tragedy. Likewise, a pond's murky water is infested with rotting algae, muck, mud, and sinister creatures that lurk in its foggy environment. Amongst the harsh conditions of these waters, where it seems difficult for any semblance of survival, blossoms a flower with a stunning gradient of pink and white hues. The lotus flower. She is testament to the human ability to emerge from and overcome adversity. Similarly, my father and I have unfolded our petals and have embodied what it means to overcome hardship. You are capable of doing the same.
